Oxymoron on Loneliness
I wake myself up, after tucking myself in the night before,
I take my vitamins, swallowing them dry because sometimes
It’s not worth getting up for water.
And I get dressed by myself, coordinate myself,
Draw and redraw my eyeliner,
My battle armor for the day.
I go through the motions, sometimes forgetting,
How I don’t have someone to wake up to,
Because who needs someone when you have yourself?
I feed myself a sandwich with too much mayonnaise because
Who cares what I eat besides myself?
And there are the days where I feel myself crying for no reason.
And there are the days where I am Athena and Artemis,
the moon, the hunt, wisdom,
I have it all.
And those days are sometimes no better than the days
That I just cry.
I start to bake, but throw away the dough because I know
I will be the one to consume it all.
I start to read, but close my book, because sometimes you
Don’t need an escape.
And I tuck myself in.
There is not one person on this planet that I fully trust, not a one I could confide in. I hate myself. I hate my loneliness. I wish I were dead.
Oh, sorry I didn’t make that doctors appointment yet, I wanted to wait until I lost more weight. Oh, couldn’t you tell I gained weight?
“Well, I just didn’t want to say anything.”
I’m having such a hard time living at home this summer.
I hate being treated like I’m an idiot for forgetting to boil some fucking water for coffee.
Sorry that I want to go to the gym late, even if it isn’t “safe.”
Sorry that I’m too stupid to do anything, yes, it really is amazing that I can accomplish anything by myself in college, it really is.
Fuck this shit.
I’ve been in an incredible funk lately.
Like, I don’t know what’s wrong.
I think part of it might be that I gained 10 pounds in three weeks after basically drinking every night and eating crap.
And now, I’m trying to get it together, but I feel like I will never lose this weight. Never. And then if I do, I’m scared what will happen. I’ll be the same person, but it will be different. And I’m so scared about loose skin. I’ve been fat my whole life and then I’l have that.
I don’t know if I’m incredibly lonely or just incredibly scared for the future. I’ll graduate this time next year. What am I supposed to do?